Dizzy Original: Seemingly Sucessful (Satire/Mock Epic)

[Dizzy]

Written by me for English class, it features an AABBCCDD rhyme scheme with 10 syllables in every line. Lets see if you can figure out what problem of the modern day world I'm addressing:

Seemingly Successful
Brothers though they are in flesh and kin,
there was obviously something within
these lads that made them susceptible
to the hardening of one brother’s soul
so that one would forever live in fame
while the other had to look on in shame.
What did cause this monumental rift?
Through the sands of time one must sift.

One brother named Cole, the other Finch,
at birth it was hard to tell which was which.
Raised the same way under care of creator,
imperfections were fixed sooner rather then later.
Inseparable though the brothers were
this fact that they were did not deter
any competition between the two
to be the best and know that it was true.

As the grew, the quite remarkable fact
was in appearance they were almost exact.
They started to act a bit differently,
Cole opting for the approach of gently
while Fitch tended to be a tad more smug
thinking he was cool acting like a thug.
Cole hoped it would pass but he did not quit;
it was not long till he was sick of it.

One day the brothers went to the local mall
and even as they were walking into the hall
a crowd of ladies gathered around him
leaving his brother on a sudden whim.
How is it that when two identical
people are observed, it is sensical
when all that differs is simply a name
especially when other things are the same?

Though dejected once and many times
Cole, at least, was not guilty of any crimes.
Cole was put to good use throughout his life.
He rests now in shreds, helpful to his wife.
Fitch on the other hand faded pretty quick
Soon people found out he was just a hick
A new fad would come and he passed away;
money gone to waste and left to decay.

And the Answer:
spoiler - highlight to read: I'm going for Name Brand clothes. Cole represents Kohl's (the store) and Fitch represents Abercrombie and Fitch. Seemingly in the title refers to the seam of a pair of pants/shirt. It's kind of cool though, because it has the image it's going for preppy people or jocks. I guess it has multiple meanings on accident

[MemphisMasenko]

these lads that made them susceptible
to the hardening of one brother’s soul

that line wasn't working for me.
I really didn't think they rhymed.

[Bear holding a shark]

Cheap off-brand clothes FTW =P

[Dizzy]

rhymezone says differently

I wasn't about to be choosy.
It was tougher then you think o.0
At least to get it done in the 45 minutes it took me.

I didn't like the lines:
They started to act a bit differently,
Cole opting for the approach of gently

but eh, differently is hard to rhyme

[stkr]

That was great. Poem is an art, just like any painting or sculpture you can create, so I believe it can always be interpreted in many different ways even if the theme or message is as plain as day. To me this detailed that things don't often live up to their hype. You really have no idea what people experience or why they act the way they do. You cannot judge by appearances, but as often stated, by someone's character.

[Dizzy]

Thanks srkr. I can see that too.
You're got a way with words yourself

[stkr]

Originally Posted by Dizzy

Thanks srkr. I can see that too.
You're got a way with words yourself

Thanks . I write myself, but most of it is from another part of my life when I was younger. I'm going to start writing again, soon. I just need to make the time.

[Dizzy]

Originally Posted by stkr

Thanks . I write myself, but most of it is from another part of my life when I was younger. I'm going to start writing again, soon. I just need to make the time.

Be sure to post 'em if you do ; )

Perhaps I'll keep this up. I'm not going to lie, it was actually kind of fun. South Park-ish, but appropriate for school.

[stkr]

Originally Posted by Dizzy

Be sure to post 'em if you do ; )

Perhaps I'll keep this up. I'm not going to lie, it was actually kind of fun. South Park-ish, but appropriate for school.

You should ; ). Poetry is like exercise, but for the mind. My English teacher used to say that.

[nathanlawliet]

Very nice writing dude. I used to write myself, but I lacked motivation to continue.

[mangodroplet]

very cool :]
I'm in a poetry forum myself, although I haven't written too much lately. Buuuut.
I am really big on rhythm....and it seems a couple words were off, due to the emphasis of the word itself. :] just constructive criticism though, but only if you wanna listen

[Gregory]

Wonderful!

[PoN]

Originally Posted by Saline

Cheap off-brand clothes FTW =P

epic fail.

And good job dizzy