Twilight: an honest non biased view and thread.

[133794m3r]

A note before you read this... if you haven't read the twilight series... then you probably won't get all of the "in jokes" that are going on inside of this post. If you have read the entire series and still don't think that this is funny then I'm sorry... I thought that I made it funny... oh well have fun fangirls/fanboys

The truth about twilight.

“I couldn't have written this book without the help of listening to My Chemical Romance for four hours a day in my basement while watching Gilmore Girls” ~ Stephenie Meyer on Twilight

Characters

Bella Swan

Bella, aka Isabella Marie Swan is a sex-driven, vampire-wannabe, emo who stalks Edward till he finally agrees to go out with her. Bella likes to put herself in harms way just to keep Edward near her. (Why he wants to protect a whiny emo girl is beyond anybody...) She doesn't think she's very pretty, but she has enough self-esteem to wear strapless red leather panties to the prom the night she thinks she's getting something from Edward...oh, yes, that's right. A Bite In The Neck. Rawr!

Edward Cullen

A teenage heartthrob, Edward was voted Most Sexalicious Blood Drinker four consecutive times in the Transyllvanian version of People Magazine. Edward moved to Sporks to avoid the paparazzi, sunshine, and any social contact. His favorite hobbies are glaring, playing the piano, taking professional Myspace photos, glaring, hunting, making kissyfaces in the mirror, glaring, pretending to protect Bella while actually just quietly laughing, glaring, and looking into a career as a crossing guard after his successful capture of a giant van about to land on his girlfriend's head. Edward is known as a peaceful vampire because he does not feast on humans, except on Yom Kippur, because he can never remember what he can and can't eat. Possibly glaring.

Je...nnifer? Jessica? Desperatepants

Her character is so unimportant that we considered not even mentioning her, but then again, we thought that about all of the characters, so here we go. Jennifer (Jessica?)'s real name is unknown, due to the fact that we just don't care. Throughout the book she desperately tries to woo Bella away from her vampire beau. Her evident jealousy attracts Edward's attention, and in the end of the book he kills her for being such a stupid prat. (P.S. SPOILER WARNING!)

Mommy Swan

Exists only by email. In the end of the book, she thinks Bella and Edward's relationship is too serious and decides to take matters into her own hands by letting them go to the prom, which everyone knows is the dead-end road of all relationships.

Daddy Swan

Also known as the Ugly Duckling. Bella's father is rather overprotective yet totally fails at that as well (his daughter hang outs with a family of vampires and ignores the kinky look of her boyfriend's non-existent fangs). His wife left him taking Bella with her when Bella was very young.

Other (Supposedly)Sexalicious Vampires

All together, so none of the other schoolchildren can date them. Totally supportive of the relationship except for the Mean Sister, who doesn't want Bella to be a vampire like her, and all sexalicious to boot, but not as sexy as Edward (let's face it--no one will ever be considered as sexy as Edward). All have vampire powers, some more sucktastic than others. The vampire Daddy, of course, is a doctor and has the super power of compassion. And yes, let's ask ourselves: how is compassion a superpower in comparison to laser vision? (No)

Jacob Black

Jacob Black (or as the Mexicans call him Jacobito) is a chemically-dependent, horny, sixteen year old wearbear with claws. Throughout the course of three books, he repeatedly tries to seduce Bella into giving him a back massage on his hairy, wearbear back. Jacob never learns to get his own girlfriend; he is so desperate for love that he snoops around gay bars looking for other wearbears to share his gay pride! Where's the love?!

Plot

Short version: Pathetic emo chick sets out to accomplish the impossible task of actually having a life. As it happens, a life involves a boyfriend, which this lesbian hasn't had in her seventeen years of life. Upon meeting the dreamy Edward Cullen, she gives up her neck virginity and spends most of her time having weird dreams about him chasing her in the night. And flying. She and Edward survive kidnappings, gossip, parental consent, a gay pride parade, and even the prom. At the end of the book, they're still together. They break up in the second book. (SUPER SPOILER WARNING LAST SENTENCE! TEE HEE <3)

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOONG Version (+2000 clever points for the title!) Of three things, Bella Swan was absolutely certain. 1. Edward was a crackwhore. 1.5 Oh, and a vampire. 2. A part of him, and she was not sure how dominant that part may be, really wanted a beer. 2.5 Or, you know, blood. 2.7 Mmmmmm... 2.8 3/4 He also liked kit-kats. 2.9 1/2 And hotdogs. 3. And finally, she thought that maybe, just maybe, she might like him. Really like him. 4. LIKE LIKE HIM. *gasp here* 5. Did you gasp? 5.5 You better have. 6. Thats more than 3... Gosh golly gee, it rained a lot in Sporks. But not enough to stop the flames of romance. Bella had no self-confidence until she met Edward. Then self-confidence was impossible. How can one compete with a boyfriend who is not only an 11 out of 10 on the hottie scale, but also a VAMPIRE. The only thing she had going for her was her scent, and I don't mean Chanel No. 5, no, I don't mean Bi-Curious by Britney Spears... I MEAN BLOOD. But Edward wasn't getting any. Poor Edward. (cue pouty face) Wait, did I just- BLOOD. I MEANT. BLOOD. Sex and blood have NOTHING IN COMMON. Hee hee, except for AIDS. OK ANYWAYS, So now, dragged out for 3 bazillion pages, the story of these star-crossed lovers is played out. Edward battles his bloodlust against his true feelings for Bella. "Nice neck!" -The Handy Book Of Undead Pick-up Lines

Which one is Better?

This has been the question of many to whom you are loyal to. Jacob or Edward? It's a heated debate between wild, out of control, hormonal, teenage girls (and some boys). Many carpet baggers have taken advantage of this fight and come out with clothes called Twilight Teez. They read: Team Edward or Team Jacob. The only girls (and some boys) who have bought these "Teez" are the ones who don't have a life and sit and read the book over and over in their bedrooms reading lines out loud and doing hand motions.

Eclipse

The Plot Summary

It's another adventure in the "lives" of Bella and Edward! Woohoo! (not). But in this next installment of the Twilight Series, there is a love square between Bella, Edward, Jacob, and Jacob's thumb. (The thumb becomes useful to Jacob when he gets dumped by Bella in the end). Oh, SPOILER WARNING! But there is a new vampire roaming the streets of Sporks, and she soon becomes part of the love square, making it a love pentagon. Woohoo! (not). For she's brought with her an army of little vampire minions that think they can kick the good vampires butts. But they end up losing. And Jacob almost dies. But thank goodness Stephenie isn't in to sad stories or else we would've lost this pointless character. No matter how annoying he really is. Oh, and Bella and Edward almost have sex. ALMOST. But thank goodness Stephenie is a good girl or else many of the wild teenage girl fans (and some boys) would've had an orgasm reading this.

This book sucks the next is teh awesomer

Soon to be released is Midknife Sun, the tale of Twilight told in Edward's point of view. Little is known about its content, but some helpfuls spies in the CIA managed to track down this excerpt: Hi. I'm Edward. I'm a vampire. I'm so hot. I met this chick Bella. She smells good. But she's not hot. I am. Unfortunately that was all they could produce from their investigation due to a possible lawsuit from the author. Once more information surfaces, this page will be updated.