Humorous Novel

[jjclownyseed2008]

Well, i hope to someday become a humor novelist and i thought i would upload my stroy ri wrote and take any input on it. Just give me ur reactions. I could not upload the file so i will just paste the story on here.

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A Cold Night in Austin
I was hiding behind the garage under the old trailer hitch. Hide and Seek in the dark was a way for all the neighborhood kids to spend their nights. The street lights lined the streets, half of them broken, and the other half emitting a dull shine. I lied under the trailer hitch picking at the grass for what seemed to be hours. My eyes kept on drooping until I would be startled by nearby footsteps making little splashes off the dewy grass. After some time there was an absence of footsteps, until a pair of heavy boots plopped on the moist grass just a foot ahead of me. Sweat slowly rolled down my face as I noticed the boots right in front of me, were boots I never seen before. The boots were camouflage, but it was hard to reveal this because of the dried up blood stains caking his boots. The shoelaces were white with brown particles of dirt sticking on them. A memory of my friend Jimmy screaming entered my head.
“I found you Jimmy,” said an undistinguishable voice.
I remember that Jimmy let out a high pitch scream. The thought occurred to me that this man had gotten a hold of Jimmy, and then who knows what happened. During my thoughts I heard his zipper open as a cascading torrent of urine landed all over my head including in my eyes, hair, and mouth. It splashed all over the trailer hitch slowly dripping all over my face. It tasted strong and had the smell of the familiar urine smell.
“Ahhhhhh,” he groaned as he finished urinating.
From the sound of his raspy voice I came to the conclusion he was in his late fifties.
“How long was this man wandering my neighborhood tonight and what was he up to” I asked myself.
The man began to stroll off as I lulled these frightening questions around in my head. As he distanced himself I could see Jimmy’s face that was chopped off and turned into the killers mask. Jimmy’s face was half sewn onto the killers face and the wind would slowly blow the mask of skin out of position to reveal the grotesque face of the killer. He must have done this to make all the other kids think he was Jimmy. The man was not in sight anymore and I slowly wiggled my body free from under the hitch. I always had problems getting out from under the hitch. I slowly crept over to where Jimmy was hiding to find his body badly disfigured in ways thought to be not humanly possible. His face was torn off and his throat was cut wide open with his thin blood rushing out. It looked as if someone rode a jackhammer all over his body into a mushy substance of organs. I grew sick quickly and vomited into the pile of mush. I looked off into the distance and I could see that Bart had his leg chopped off and the murderer used his leg to impale him in the stomach. I felt like I was playing hide and seek, but instead of finding friends, I was finding their dead bodies. I would get revenge on this killer for what he was doing. He messed with the wrong person and would pay for his insolence.
I went into my house ignoring the odd absence of my family to grab my Naruto ninja sword and headband. This was my favorite sword, though it was made of plastic, I won in many fights against my friends with it. The blade was silver and lined with the designs of golden dragons. I believed I knew enough karate from the show to fight this man off. My front door slowly opened and I peeped through the crack to see no one in sight. The dull lights that had once lighted the streets before were now all, somehow missing. The only source of light was the full moon brightly floating in space.
I walked onto the dark street screaming, “Show yourself you vile scumbag.”
I had my sword slung to my side ready to fight him. The man walked out of the house across the street dragging the corpse of another victim.
In a low voice he giggled, “You think you can beat me with your plastic sword when I have a 15 pound sledgehammer, you sure are a fool.”
I slowly murmured, “It isn’t who has a better weapon it is who has more heart and a better drive.”
His raspy voice made a low laugh as he slowly approached me.
The man slowly explained, “This is the real world boy, I am a killer and you are a victim.”
I took the sword and did a spinning slash to his throat, but It did no good as he got a good swing in at my face. My head quickly flew into the concrete and I could feel blood rushing out of my eyes. I screamed painfully for him to stop, but he moved down to my legs and started to smash my knee caps in. My legs felt as flat as paper, but he continued to pound on them until they resembled a pile of red mashed potatoes. I was swinging my sword blindly in the air as he continued to smash me with his hammer. I knew that I would win; I had much more heart and much more to fight for. He took his sledgehammer lifted it high over himself and lunged it at my forehead.
My eyelids flew up and my body started to jerk violently. A cold ball of sweat formed on my head and slowly dripped down my face. My entire body was drenched with cold sweat. I gazed around and saw 4:30 brightly illuminated on my alarm clock. I slowly hunched my body up to see my bedroom floor. It was an uneven floor littered with mounds of dirty clothes. “Drip, Drip, Drip,” sounded the bathroom faucet. I was back in the real world away from my twisted nightmares. The same nightmare returned to me night after night. Whatever I did to escape this dream, it would always find its way back to me. The dream was not always the same, but it was always the same scary man wielding his sledgehammer. I always wondered what these dreams really meant or what they were trying to tell me. They were always so lucid and so real.
“Right when my dream hits its worst point I wake up shaking” I whispered to myself.
It was for months that I was haunted by these terrible nightmares, only to escape barely and find myself in the safety of my bed. The horrid nightmares must have been caused by all of the horror movies I watched and the scary comics I read. I stopped watching horror movies and stayed away from scary comics. The nightmares’ slowly died away as my love of horror movies did. I could once again sleep the night away free from the nightmarish images conjured from deep inside my sub-conscious mind